Too Comfortable

I know that heat is like…the most expensive thing. Folks in the Midwest understand how careful we have to be with our energy use if we want to be able to still pay our mortgage… (I always said I will know true financial Arrival when I can have a warm living space all year ’round.)

The other day I was feeling warm and I thought to myself, this can’t be right. I feel too comfortable, something must be wrong. I will have to go and turn down the thermostat.

The thermostat was fine. But still, there was a small part of me that felt slightly guilty or like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be…because I was too comfortable.

Then it hit me.

This is what I’d been doing in the last few months or so of my life. I felt things were so good, they were too good to be true. The pangs and flashes of sudden tragedy came to balance the comfort… This is too good. This can’t be real. This can’t last.

This time around I knew better than to act on or let it get the best of me…but it has not always been that way. When I realized that Nathan is my Life Partner, I spent six months trying to sabotage our relationship in my disbelief…arguably one of the best and most transformative things that’s ever “happened to me”: alignment with my Divine Soul Partner. And thank god for the strength of our bond because I could have lost it all…seemingly stumbled onto everything I’d asked for and then lost it in my fear that it couldn’t be real….

None of this was conscious, of course. But that little experience with the heat yesterday brought it all into light. How much do we sweat over feelings of things being “too good to be true,” or riddled in fear that something will pull it out from under us at any moment and waste away the miracle by bracing ourselves for tragedy?

I’m learning to let down these guards and relax into my comfort, my happiness, my success. I’m learning to expect it and to embrace it as who I am and not something that slips in and out of my life unpredictably and elusively. Because, afterall, what good are our good experiences if we spend them in worry and fear?

….and that’s not even to speak to our nature as human magnets…

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