Through the Muck

Sensual Fluency is the bridge through our conditioning, back to our Innate selves.



For the last few of months I’d been dealing with intense flashes of sudden death or tragedy at every corner.

I suspected either life-is-too-good-to-be-true syndrome, or possibly the physiological aftereffects of PTSD washing out of my system…

Then I died in a sweatlodge, naked on the Earth floor, near-drown in my own sweat and surrounded by 7 of my closest strangers….and I realized it was premonition all along…

I’m no longer afraid of dying.

The Experiencer

The Experiencer

Last Saturday I walked out of my office thinking, wow, my son and I haven’t been sick in forever–way to go, Mama Bear!

Then I picked Xay up from his dad’s and he was sick. 

Of course, days later, I’m hit. First time I’ve been sick in a while and it was a fascinating observational experience.

Some of you may have followed my journey to embrace Sarah, my little girl self, as part of my psychological reconciliation around the messages about personal worthiness and abundance that I inherited from my social class conditioning as “wage-worker people” (which is no longer an acceptable lifestyle for me).

I came to realize a bit ago that my hate for my younger self was me internalizing all of my parents’ shit, the conditions they created for me which made me the sickly and ugly child I was.

I cringe now when I say that…which is progress… But it’s also true…

I was sick and in chronic pain pretty much every day of my childhood, in and out of doctors’, never feeling well.

Simply because my parents barely cared for me, my brother, or our household. We all just happened.

As an Empath, being fed american refined foods as a regular diet, I experienced chronic pain since as far back as I can remember.

All my immunities were attacked from the inside and the outside.

As a result, I grew to look how I felt.

As any self-aware Empath knows, we cannot live on refined foods or chaotic, unclean environments or we will experience not only physical imbalance, but also major psychological, emotional, and spiritual imbalance.

I was a bitch. Straight up. Grouchy, irritable…like a bratty teenager always dealing with menstrual cramps…

This is what I hated about myself and ran away from in my early adulthood. This is what I devoted 10 years to “fixing” as a young adult. This is why I divorced myself from that person and can literally perceive a legit dissociation in my language around it. This is why I wrote a eulogy for that person and changed my name.

My relief and triumph was in fixing all that, becoming a good person, bettering myself.

It was none of that. I put on a mask because I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do with that sack of a mess my parents created. I soon forgot it was a mask and I attuned this new self to who I knew I deserved to be. I “fixed” myself in that I put on some really good makeup that got me through a good ten years before I was finally able to see this:

That bitch was not me. That bitch was the natural product of the toxic conditions around me.

I am not my parents’ shit.

See, while I was able to consciously align my experience and my personality with who I know I deserve to be, I was still anchored by an unconscious self-image of being a sickly, dirty, suffering, disempowered victim who is subject to middle class potential boundaries because “that’s who I am and who my people are.”

But of course, that is not who I am. That is just my experience.

I am the Experiencer.

I don’t know if this is elementary to most folks. I realize I am navigating a legit psychological dissociation and am using Intuition to Guide me back to Integration.

I cannot tell you how relieving this realization is, though–and empowering….and I know the real effects have barely begun to pierce my experience.

When we realize we are not our social conditioning….and then that we are also not our childhood household conditioning–we are not our parents’ shit–the world they create around us, OR how we adapted to it as small children, we are not even our experiences–then we are left with a vastness of possibility! We are left with the freedom to look back to when we Knew, before all the shit of this world started sticking…—I remember when I Knew who I am—….and here we can begin to play with all the potentials that come with that! WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

What I remember….?? I remember feeling like the world is mine if I want to take it….I remember feeling like I am going to use my Voice to do powerful things….I remember feeling the thrill of owning my personal authority….I remember Knowing I am a sovereign human with an abundance of gifts to offer the world….

“Everything is Sound”

So what? Why does it matter that everything is Sound?

Because ya’ll made up the rest. All of it.

Stop giving it so much credence like it’s real.

People commit suicide on Christmas because: Christmas.

People commit race crimes because: race.

People debilitate themselves with shame because: religion.

And all that is made up

What else do we give or take lives for or otherwise abuse ourselves and others….all for shit we simply…made up?

Mind the Pre-reqs

If you ask for money, your experience is going to align everything you need to receive money.

The problem is that for most of us, this doesn’t look like money at all. It looks like experiences that show us what is standing between us and money.

Those things like…”I’m not smart enough.” “No one will take me seriously.” “I’m not worthy of success.

But of course…as soon as these things show up, we retreat, escape, deny…sink back into the self-image that has no money. After all, it’s comfortable and familiar (and being a victim gets tons of social approval).

This is true for everything, of course, not just money.

Often we think we are forsaken. LOA is a sham. God doesn’t exist. Magic is fantasy.

The problem is that we don’t know how to recognize what we’ve drawn in. We’re caught up in ego-perceptions, defining what we want based on the limited awareness of the personality and measuring what we’re served by Universe through this shortsighted lens.

You are a part of something much bigger than yourself. When your Intention is aligned with a specific outcome, it will be drawn into your experience. Period. The trick is to trust and to follow the response, no matter what it looks like, because these are the breadcrumbs to get there. The moment you pivot your intention, thinking “it didn’t work,” you have walked away from receiving it.

One cannot go from broke to billionaire without adjusting some psychology.

So if you request money (or love or respect or weightloss or your dream career), you will receive opportunities to adjust the psychology that is attracting your current conditions. This is your magic.

Don’t miss it.